Humour Home | Photos | News | Thoughts | Schedule | Humour Need something entertaining? Here's some funnies snagged from various places on the internet. If you're looking for something more substantial, try some of the links below. Send me yours if you got something good to share.
Humour for Students
Humour Snagged from various places
Snagged Humour
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have MPD
And so do I
Deep Thought by Jack Handy:
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
There are three guys going through an exit interview at a mental hospital. The doctor says he can release them if they can answer the simple mathematical problem: What is 8 times 5?- The first patient says, "139."
- The second one says, "Wednesday."
- The third says, "What a stupid question. It's obvious: The answer is 40."
- The doctor is delighted. He gives the guy his release. As the man is leaving, the doctor asks how he came up with the correct answer so quickly.
- "It was easy, Doc. I just divided Wednesday into 139."
Stress Management
From Mental Health NetPicture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
There now, feeling better?
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.All from the same person.
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, " Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try therapy. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the therapist's office, the therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
1-800-PSYCHHello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Patient to Rogerian therapist: I'm really depressed.
Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
Patient: Nothing is going well.
Therapist: Nothing well.
Patient: I feel like killing myself.
T: You're thinking of killing yourself.
P: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW.
T: You want to do it now.
P: [Jumps out window.]
T: Woosh. Splat.
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The couselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies " Well not exactly, it's she that suffers not me."
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.
Antidotes to Your Shrink's Falling Asleep During the Therapy Session: A Patient's Guide to Keeping the Therapist's Attention
- Insist that one of your other personalities already paid last month's therapy bill.
- Lie down under the couch.
- Express concern that you are not narcissistic enough.
- Bark.
- Shout "Eureka!" after your therapist makes an interpretation.
- Play dead.
- As your therapist hands you the therapy bill, put on a pair of latex rubber gloves to accept it.
Announcement: the mental-disease-of-the-month club is being disbanded immediately.
The reasons being:You members were obviously out to ruin us; it's all clear now. It took all our remaining personal savings to track you all down. Therefore, here is your last installment: clinical depression. Have a nice day."- During dipsomania month, the club party spent 10 times its budget on refreshments.
- During kleptomania month, all of the club furnishings were removed, and (as aforementioned) the budget was already spent and gone.
- During megalomania month, the club organization broke down due to having sixteen claimants to being Club President, etc.
- During multiple personality month, our club roster roughly tripled in size with no increase in dues.
- During paranoia month, the inflated roster dropped to zero as each member changed his or her mailing address and left no forewarding address for the club.
Top 10 Signs a Therapist is Approaching Burn-out
by Storm A. King, 08/28/96And, the number one reason a therapist may be burning out....- You think of the peaceful park you like as "your private therapeutic milieu."
- You realize that your floridly psychotic patient, who is picking invisible flowers out of mid air, is probably having more fun in life than you are.
- A grateful client, who thinks you walk on water, brings you a small gift and you end up having to debrief your feelings of unworthiness with a colleague.
- You are watching a re-run of the Wizard of Oz and you start to categorize the types of delusions that Dorothy had.
- Your best friend comes to you with severe relationship troubles, and you start trying to remember which cognitive behavioral technique has the most empirical validly for treating this problem.
- You realize you actually have no friends, they have all become just one big case load.
- A co-worker asks how you are doing and you reply that you are a bit "internally preoccupied" and "not able to interact with peers" today.
- Your spouse asks you to set the table and you tell them that it would be "countertherapeutic to your current goals" to do that.
- You tell your teenage daughter she is not going to start dating boys because she is "in denial," "lacks insight." and her "emotions are not congruent with her chronological age."
- You are packing for a trip to a large family holiday reunion and you take the DSM-IV with you just in case.
Case Study: Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion, TotoRationale: This group of four individuals and a little dog is being denied in one paragraph since their reports were submitted together; we concluded that none have conditions requiring medical treatment, and that all of them would be considered prime examples of "worried well" individuals who are constantly in search of some kind of magical solution to their problems.
While the little girl who ran away from her Aunty Em's home may have a conduct disorder (after all, she did kill the so-called wicked witch whose assertiveness she found threatening), we would point out that running away from home, singing and dancing, hanging around with peculiar, oddly attired friends with grandiose expectations, and occasionally indulging a fetish for fancy footwear are all normative among adolescents, just as among psychologists attending out-of-town meetings.
...Finally, we feel that the most cost-effective alternative for the little dog, Toto, is that he be put to sleep.
Excerpted from articles appearing in the Journal of Polymorphous Perversity. Copyright 1986, 1988, 1994, 1997 by Wry-Bred Press, Inc. All rights reserved.
The psychiatrist tells his patient: "Well I have good new and bad news..."
The patient says "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"
"You have Alzheimer's disease."
"Good heavens! What's the good news?"
"You can go home and forget about it!"
"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again."
"Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied.
"And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever."
"Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?"
"Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave."
A woman took her husband to the psychiatrists because he thought he was a dog. "Why don't you sit on the couch?" the psychiatrist said when they arrived. "Oh, no" said the woman. "He's not allowed on the furniture."A husband brought his wife to the psychiatrist.
Husband: My wife thinks she’s a chicken.
Psychiatrist: That’s terrible. How long has she been this way?
Husband: For three years.
Psychiatrist: Why didn’t you bring her to see me sooner?
Husband: We needed the eggs.
Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that people don’t give a hoot about anything I say.
Psychiatrist: So?
What did the sign on Pavlov's lab door say?Please knock. DON'T ring the bell.
HOW TO WRITE GOOD
by Frank L. ViscoMy several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
- Always avoid alliteration.
- Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
- Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
- Employ the vernacular.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren't necessary.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- One should never generalize.
- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
- Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
- Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
- Profanity sucks.
- Be more or less specific.
- Understatement is always best.
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Psychology is actually biology.
Biology is actually chemistry.
Chemistry is actually physics.
And physics is actually math.
20 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90's1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You're reading this.
20. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
The lost Dr. Seuss Book: I Love My Job.I love my job, I love the pay.
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss; he is the best.
I love his boss and all the rest.I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day.I love my chair in my padded cell.
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers.
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it don't care.
I love each program and every file,
I try to understand once in a while.I'm happy to be here, I am, I am;
I'm the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.I love my job -- I'll say it again.
I even love these friendly men,
these men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away.
